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A Marriage Issue
Question asked by Anonymous.
Posted on: Sunday, August 8, 2004 - Hits: 2430

Question:
Could you please advise me on the following matter:

A friend of mine is engaged to marry her Aunt's son who is religious. However my friend has her heart set to another individual who is also religious and wants to marry him. She has discussed the issue with her parents but they are not accepting her wishes. As I understand Islam allows a woman to have her choice of husband who she intends to live with for the rest of her life. However my friend is knotted into a very difficult position and dosen't know what to do. On the one hand she doesn't want to upset the family surrounding but is also wanting to marry her own choice with the families consent. The young man also wants to marry her and has pleaded my friend to make her parents unerstand. What should one do in such a matter.

Answer:
Answer to the first question follows:

This is a recurrent problem in our part of the world - girls forced into
marrying a person against their will. The stance of Islam is quite clear in
this regard and I think the issue has more to do with the arrogated family
pride and false & inflated ego of the parties involved. However, it would
not be fair to blame only the parents in every case for there are instances
when they see what their children cannot or do not. Young minds are more
impressionable and prone to emotional rather than rational decision-making.
Having said that, let me assert that no one, not even the parents, have the
right to force marriage upon a boy or a girl. A marriage contract will be
considered void without the free consent of the girl. It is admirable that
your friend is sensible not to think of any drastic step and wants to marry
the person of her choice with her family's consent. The young man's approach
is also laudable.

There are two ways to go about it. Although, as you mention, she has already
discussed the issue with her parents but I cannot emphasize enough the
importance of discussion. She could try to look for "suitable" instances for
getting her point across. Usually mothers are more receptive to their
daughters' ideas; she can try to engage her mother more effectively in a
discussion before making an attempt to convince her father. The next step
could be to engage her fiancé. It might be that he is more understanding and
helps her in persuading her family. The help of siblings, if any, can also
be sought, which can serve as a sounding board. Basically she has to allay
her parents' concerns about this young man and make them realize that she'll
live very happily with him. If this does not work, the only recourse then is
to either give in to the parents' demand or to opt for a court marriage,
which obviously is the least desirable. I realize that this is a tough
situation and it is easier to give advice than to act it out. She can base
her argument on the free will that Islam has granted her in deciding about
her life partner. This can at least convince her fiancé who, as you wrote,
is a religious man.

I hope and pray that things turn out to be the best for her.

Regards,
Razi Allah
Research Assistant, Studying Islam

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