The other day I saw a lady at
my Clinic and besides her illness she also complained that because her husband
is busy with work and also with another woman who he says is 'his 1st love' of
the past, who he cannot leave so she is very depressed and sad because his
absence from home & disinterest in family is not only affecting her health but
also her young children are suffering.
She was brought here from Pakistan after being married to, has got children now
but mr. hubby who lived here has disclosed many facts since. The mother and
sisters in law support the husband and tell her to just look after children and
home and stop interfering in the husband's pvt matters.Secondly he has financial
issues as well coz he has to support her and children and also parents & off and
on 'the 1st love' as well with whom he has physical relationship but has not
married her yet, however he may as he says.
This is not a new story. We keep coming across lots of these from many of our
Pakistani ladies who have been married and brought over from Pakista nin similar
I suggested the lady also keeps herself busy by doing some job and earning money
~make herself and children strong and then decide her own affairs but she said
that the husband is not letting her visa status changed to resident, he says
that would cost him money so she could rather stay in an illegal status and
hence unable to take any job, (although she has some education to earn a job for
herself). the good point in her story was that the husband did not mind handing
her passport and she could get it done herself if she wished to.
So I gave her some links for help, our local Pakistan Welfare centres and also
some other suggestions how to take a temporary job in order to collect some
money for the immigration work and so on.
I suggest to all our sisters to educate themselves more and more both in the
subjects of 'deen and dunya' ; depending on the financial status of the house
try and earn some money and keep themselves busy as well as strong. To explain
to husbands gently where they were going wrong spoiling their own fortune, but
if they did not seem to be bothered , just continue to strengthen their own
relationship with God and keep themselves busy in positive activities including
the care of their children~so finally they are able to make decisions in order
to live a better life.
In an ideal world, it would be best if the husbands take a heed and change their
ways, agree to sacrifice their interests in favour of the family and cooperate
with the wives to make the unit strong. But if not, the wife will have to do
this job herself. Allah has put her in this test and if she remains strong and
patient, He will bring her out of this, slowly but surely!
Sometimes we are lucky to get a chance to speak to the spouse. The lady was
clever, as her husband called her to pick her up, she invited him to see the
doctor while she would look after the kids outside.
Although she was my last patient and I really had to go because I had a
coommitment with children, but did not wish to loose this opportunity."It
wouldn't take more than another few minutes I suppose, just talking to him. Who
knows if it helps saving a family unit~the back bone of the society we wish to
make better.." I thought looking at the innocent but tired and sad face of this
young sister of mine and smiled at her."Ok send him in." The radiance of hope on
her beautiful face surrounded by a scarf made me feel that my decision to stay
back was right.
I spoke to Amar(name changed due to confidentiality) for about 15 mins and was
glad to see that he was an intelligent and receptive young British-Pk lad as
most of our young brothers are. It's just that they need a bit of guidance &
direction with the help of not only worldly, but also of a religious and
spiritual input. We talked about the concept of Sacrifice in Islam as taught by
our Grand Prophet Ibrahim sws and as is followed by all the prophets. What it
actually means for us when we celebrate Eid ul Adha every year and how is he now
being tested whether he could make a sacrifice to save his family in order to
seek the pleasure of His Creator.
I am hopeful that with faith based education of the couples, our sisters can
have a better future insh'Allah and our families can see better days than those
of misery and loss.
Summary: The issues around family unit and it's survivall are not limited to the
Western communities only. Our Asian community is also not safe from the clutches
of ignorance leading to selfishness & breakups. The solution lies in their
guidance and education based on faith, at every level~insh'Allah